Letters to God.

My First and Last.

I’ve never been in love. Throughout my life, I’ve been in multiple relationships…but love always seemed to find a way to avoid me. It’s mostly my fault though, I end relationships so fast that there’s rarely any time to fall in love. I start relationships to receive love, but when I realize that I need to give it, I get scared. Too afraid to see my heart in someone else’s hands, the idea of being vulnerable has led me to avoid great relationships and amazing women.

Yet here I am…wanting to receive something, but afraid of what may happen once I do. What happens when I fall in love with someone? When they are constantly on my mind, wanting to just be with them to spend as much time possible because their presence alone makes me happy, and caring for them enough to a point that my heart breaks when theirs ache. I don’t know what I would do in that situation because I’ve never had someone to love like this. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Why I never fully opened up in my past relationships and why I have many emotional scars. My whole life, I’ve always pictured loving someone with a correlation to the idea of a husband and wife. I’ve always wanted to love one person my whole life, get married and have beautiful children with them that resembles us both, and to live the rest of our lives together. This might sound stupid to some people, because its normal these days for people dating to toss out the word love all the time and I’ve done that also in a past relationship. But that was before I knew what love is, before I knew who love is. I’ve known God for most of my life, but I never really took the time to read his word and deepen my knowledge. Isn’t that ironic? My whole life I’ve been wanting to know how to love and receive it, but have been ignoring the person who knows it best. He’s been teaching me things about love in my season of singleness. To love someone with all your heart, soul, and mind. When you love them so much that you are willing to do anything for them, even if that means sending your ONLY Son to die on the cross for the everyone’s sins. To always forgive, be patient, kind and to never boast nor envy.

God has shown me that love is something that can not be bounded by its four letter word, but it is reflected in all that we do. It is shown when we take the time to listen to someone who needs a talk, embracing them when they are sad and feel discouraged, and it is also shown through one’s smile. Love is presented to us in so many ways. God gave us the ability to love and to receive love, because He first loved us. God is and will always be my love. My first and last.

5 days ago -

Unspoken words.

He passes by me. I hesitate for a second..wondering if I should be the one to initiate a conversation. We haven’t seen each other since we broke up two years ago. Even to this day, I still can’t believe that he’s not in my life anymore after spending 5 years in a relationship together. We not only shared our love with each other, but I also have so many fond “first” memories with him. Our first kiss that we shared under the fireworks on Independence Day, the first time we held hands while watching a scary film, and also the first time he and I said “I love you” on our 2nd anniversary dinner. All these memories are still so real and alive for me, and yet he passes by me like I’m a stranger..someone that he doesn’t know or acknowledge anymore. I look at his back as he slowly begins to gain distance from me, and I just want to shout out, “I still love you.” But I don’t say anything, and he walks away from my view until he’s no longer visible and all I can do is wonder “what if” as I stand there with my voice lost within these unspoken words.

My phone rings so I pick up, only to realize that it’s my father. The last time I spoke to my father was when we got into a huge argument and I moved out that same day. That was 20 years ago…so you can say I was surprised to hear my father’s voice on the telephone. He starts the conversation by saying, “You don’t need to say anything, but please listen to what I have to say before you hang up.” He talks about how sorry he is about not expressing his love for me enough throughout our lives, how proud he was of me, and lastly he apologizes for not stopping me from leaving that day 20 years ago. He tells me that he is ill and that his time is short. He called because he wanted to let me know how much he loves me, and that if we could forgive each other for that day. Honestly, I can’t even remember what we argued about that day. I felt so apologetic towards my father because my stubbornness caused us to not talk and see each other for this long. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for that argument all those years ago, but before I could speak, the phone died and by the time I reached my father again he had already passed away. Now I’m stuck here with these unspoken words.

Words are meant to be spoken, whether it be through the voice, through literature, or simply through body language. Too many times we find ourselves in an inner battle on whether or not we should speak certain words to certain people. Unspoken words are one of the most greatest things one can regret during their lifetime. Speak your mind. Don’t wait until its too late or don’t be afraid of the outcome. God gave us the ability to express our words through many forms of communication, and that was no accident.

6 days ago

A moment of silence.

He came home to the sound of yelling. His wife and teenage daughter were arguing over something, but he arrived towards the end so he was clueless as to what was going on. He made his way to the living room where they were at, and all he saw were tears. Tears flowing down like a waterfall from both his wife and daughter’s eyes. The daughter yells out in frustration, runs right past him to the stairs, and proceeds to make her way to her room.. slamming the door behind her and locking it. He asks his wife to fill him in on what happened, and what was a loud room quickly changed into silence. Her best friend had just died in a car accident and she wanted to take a couple months off school to get through this tragedy. The mom said that it would be difficult for her to take that much time away from school due to the workload and exams that she would miss and that’s what escalated the argument. You see, the daughter didn’t argue back because her mom wouldn’t agree with allowing her to take a break from school, but simply because she was so saddened by her best friend’s sudden death that she couldn’t control her emotions.

Proceeding up the stairs with a heavy heart, he finally reaches his daughter’s room. He knocks slightly on the door and asks, “Honey, can I come in?” He waits for what seems like forever. There’s no reply…instead all that is heard is the sound of the door unlocking. He sees his daughter in the corner of the room, proceeds to make his way towards her and sits down next to her. He doesn’t say anything. He can’t even imagine the pain and sorrow his daughter must be feeling in this moment, so without a word, he brings her into his arms and embraces her. She starts to bawl. Tears running down her face, she starts to tell her father what happened and how much pain she is in. He embraces her harder, the type of embrace that is filled with compassion, coated with warmth, and topped off with love. She begins to calm down and get a hold of her emotions…her Father’s embrace told her everything she wanted to hear. “It’s going to be alright, you’ll get through this. I love you so much and I’ll always be here for you.” He didn’t have to say anything to comfort her, because that moment of silence when she was in his embrace, spoke more loudly and clearly to her than any words could.

1 week ago -

“1, 2, 3.. Smile.”

There’s power behind a smile. A smile can change a person’s bad day into a good day. It can give feelings of hope to a person who was beginning to lose it. We encounter it everyday, but many times forget the importance or its value.

A girl walks about in a busy park with heavy steps. She feels invisible and non existent in this world. So accustomed to going around unnoticed, her walking posture includes her face constantly looking down onto the ground in front of her. She looks up sometimes though…because some part of her still wants to be a noticed. As she looks up, her eyes get drawn towards a guy from a distance sitting on a bench and they lock eyes. Because she’s so unused to people making eye contact with her, she looks away. Slowly though, her eyes make their way back towards him, and he responds with a smile. That small gesture gave her hope in a world where she felt hopeless. His acknowledgement of her existence gave her a sense of confidence to not give up just yet on herself. That smile gave her a reason to believe in herself and her worth once again.

A guy finds a seat on a bench in a crowded area at a park nearby his house. He just lost his grandmother to an illness and feelings of grief, sadness, and depression were overflowing his heart that he was on the brink of tears. His parents died at a young age, so his grandmother raised him and worked hard to provide the world for him. He knew she didn’t have much time left…but he still couldn’t fathom the fact that she’s now gone out of his life. His reason to be happy, to laugh and smile, had disappeared. While reminiscing on his memories with his grandmother, a girl walking by caught his attention. The way she was walking..head down and her hands in her pockets, reminded him of his grandma and how she used to walk just like that when they would take their daily walk around the park. You see, they used to walk through that park everyday to talk about whatever came into their mind, and even though she would get tired and start walking with her head down and hands in her pockets..she longed for that time spent with each other. Reminded of this sweet memory, the moment the girl lifted her head, he met eyes with her and responded with a smile. That smile carried years full of joyous memories with a person whom he loved with all his heart.

“A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.”
~Author Unknown

2 weeks ago -

“Rapunzel”

She stares out into the world with her beautiful innocent eyes from her tower. She looks out into the horizon, but doesn’t take the time to imagine what’s lies beyond what her eyes can see. Her tower has become her way of life. Accustomed to being isolated within the walls that make up her tower, being alone has become a place of comfort. She doesn’t dare to even wonder what it feels like to live out amongst other people in the world, because the stories she’s heard & her own experiences have closed off her mind to such imaginations. She’s been hurt before, had her heart broken.. so she found refuge in this tower so high up that she would negate any contact with the world.

But there are still times where she finds herself yearning for something more than life in this tower. To experience love, relationships, friendships…the good that the world has to offer. Her thoughts have been clouded and distorted by her negative experiences of the world that she overlooks the good many times.

That’s where I come in. You see, I’ve been watching over her ever since she’s found her way to the tower and have been visiting her everyday in hopes of bringing her back into this world. Some days are good in the sense that we just spend hours telling stories and laughing with each other. I love the way she holds her cheeks because they hurt from laughing too much, how she begins her laugh with a small giggle that quickly translates into an outburst of laughter, and the way she looks at me while I tell her a story. But just like any person, bad days occur as well. It’s through those days that I was able to realize the love I have for her. Seeing her at her most vulnerable, insecurities and all, I fell for the beauty that resided in her. The way her eyes get smaller when she knows she’s about to cry, how she nervously laughs to avoid the awkward situation of crying in front of me, and how she feels comfortable enough to let me see her in this state. Her outer beauty attracted me towards her, but the beauty she possesses within her is what made me fall in love with her. The world is missing out on a woman this beautiful because she hides herself in the context of her tower, still unsure as to whether or not she should come down.

I extend my hand to her everyday before I leave and ask her to join me on this journey called life together. I promise her that this life is worth living and that I’ll always be by her side. Sometimes I could tell in her eyes that she is debating on whether or not she should accept my offer, but I’ve yet been able to do so. But I’ll keep coming back each day, and patiently wait for the day that her heart is ready..when she finally accepts me into her heart and we go on to create a life full of memories, our happily ever after. Until then, she will remain as my Rapunzel.

2 weeks ago -

I’ll never leave you.

I’ve grown up with this poisonous lie implanted in my mind. Satan led me to believe that if I open my heart and start to love someone, they will end up leaving eventually. I was fed this lie when an important figure in my life left me at a vulnerable age. Then as the years passed, this lie grew like a tumor and occupied my entire mind. Like a cancer, it metastasized from my thoughts to my heart, making the pain more unbearable every time it was irritated by a person I cared for leaving. My heart became so calloused towards love and loving someone, that I would distance myself when I felt my heart opening up, exposing this cancer-like disease. This has led me to end relationships within the first few months, because the fear of developing feelings of love for that person and believing that they would eventually leave overwhelmed my thoughts and caused me to make rash decisions. Decisions & choices that I can’t never get back. Relationships that could have flourished with love, never having a chance because of this lie. I’ve been in many relationships, but none have surpassed half a year. I became a person who expected “good byes”. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst..it became my way of thinking going into every relationship.

Then I began another relationship. Even from the beginning, I knew this one would be different. It is a relationship that I’ve gone in and out of my whole life, but this person always forgives and accepts me back with loving arms. Love overflows in this relationship. It’s my relationship with God. Sometimes it feels weird…having a person I started a relationship with still with me. He heals my scars, teaches me how to love and be loved, and has revealed to me my worth and the lies of Satan. “You can’t go through life thinking everyone you love will leave you..that’s a lie.” He repeats it again, but this time He emphasizes the word love. He shatters this false illusion that had been conjured up by Satan, and replaces the empty void in my heart and mind with love. If not for Him, I would have been lost in the entanglement of lies that had occupied my mind and heart. He found me, reached out His hand, and embraced me…and through this, His love naturally entered my daily life. As I’m growing older, I’ve spent more time thinking about my future spouse. There are still times where I’m afraid my future wife may leave me once I start loving her, but God assures me that won’t happen. He has never left me and I plan to have a relationship with my future wife with God as the center. Loving her like Jesus Christ loved the church..unconditionally. I often dream about the day that I can finally look her in the eyes and say, “I love you” and truly mean it from the bottom of my heart, and she stares back and responds, “I’ll never leave you.”

3 weeks ago -

Offering.

I sit restlessly and wait in the dark. A soft melody emerges from the darkness, begins to play in the background, and it proceeds to gently calm the storms that currently reside in my mind.

I look up, it’s making its way toward me. A place where people offer not only money, but their hearts as well. The pastor would tell us that anything that we wanted to offer up to God should be put in the basket, whether it be money or just a willing heart. An offering basket. The small burgundy leather pouch with gold trimming around the top has the attention of every person in the sanctuary. The golden yellow cross that has been carefully hand stitched onto the basket shines bright in the darkness. I keep my eyes fixated on it as it slowly makes its way through the aisles filled with people and closer to me.

I’ve seen people put in all different amounts of money. Ranging from a few cents to a couple thousand dollars, it’s always a blessing to know that people are willing to give. I used to wonder if God cared how much someone gave during offering time, but then I quickly get reminded that if He does care about the amount, then I am doomed. You see, I have been going to Sunday service every week for the past 2 years, but have never gave an offering before. I’m not rich so I can’t put in thousands of dollars, but I’m also not poor so I can offer more than a few cents. The reason why I never gave offering before wasn’t because I was stingy, but it simply came down to the fact that I wanted to offer up to Him nothing but the best. My life. I wanted to offer my body as a living sacrifice to God, that He may use my talents and gifts to help bring more people living on this earth to know Him. But that’s exactly why I never could give offering. Because I felt that I lacked too much, I did not want to offer this type of person who would be useless and unworthy to be a messenger of God and His love. As I slowly started to be filled with insecurity and felt at my most vulnerable, the offering basket had made its way into my hands.

Holding that basket full of offerings from the people before me, I just broke down in tears because once again I knew I wouldn’t be able to offer anything. I fell to my knees and with a heavy heart, just stared at that small pouch for what seemed like forever. I hated myself for not being more gifted, talented, and useful. Because if I were those things, I would be able to offer my life to Him, and He would be able to use me to bring joy and love to this world. In that moment, I decided to pray and ask for forgiveness once again for not being able to offer anything up to Him. What happened next will always be engraved in my memories. God tugged at my heart. “That’s all I want from you. That heart to serve and love others in my name and to be a light unto others in a world full of darkness. You are more than what you choose to believe about yourself. Not only are you gifted and talented, but you are also perfect and I love you just the way you are. Trust me when I say that. Nothing but perfection comes from these hands and you are a product of my love. I never needed you to offer anything like money or success..all I want is you. To always be with you, spend time with you, and to shower you with my love and blessings for eternity.”

I finally realized what to give as an offering that day. It’s something that I attempt to offer up to Him every day of my life and not just during offering time on Sundays. To a God who was there since the beginning of time and will continue to be there till the end, I offer up to Him my time. To spend time with Him while being immersed in His word and to spend time doing His will in this world. To a God who is love, I offer up to Him my heart that I may be filled with His love and be able to emit that to others, so that they may experience it as well. Lastly, to a God who offered and sacrificed His only son Jesus Christ for us so that we may have eternal life, I offer up my life to Him..that He would use me to bring more people to know of Him.

I used to not know what I could offer to God, until He showed me my worth and calling in life. Everything I do while living on this earth, I will offer all the glory to Him, because I know that it is by His grace that I have the chance to do so. If he had not sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, we wouldn’t have this opportunity of eternal life. That was the greatest offering.

1 month ago -

That’s all I ever wanted.

As the son approaches the hospital bed that his Father lies upon, he is overcome with all types of emotions. “What do I say”…”What should I talk about?” The sound of his footsteps pulsate loudly through his mind as he finally reaches his Father’s side. He stays quiet. Instead of waking his Father up to let him know that he had arrived, he silently looks upon at his Father and flashes of their memories together begin to flood his thoughts. All the sacrifices his father made for him to live a life full of opportunities and how he showed him just what type of man he wanted to become to his future wife and children. A man after God’s heart.

He reaches out to hold his Father’s hand, but right before he could, his Father grabs ahold of his. “When did you arrive?”, he slowly asks. The son responds that it’s only been a couple of minutes and finds a seat next to him. He looks into his Father’s eyes, the same eyes that he has looked upon everyday for 25 years. They seem different today though..as if they’ve endured a night of sorrow and pain. The warmth emitted through his Father’s hand fills the son up throughout his entire body. The Father slowly starts to speak, though the son can tell it pains him to even speak a word. “I’m happy with how my life has been lived..you are the greatest gift that has been given to me in this life and now I get to rest in peace and be with your mother soon. I am so proud to call you my son.” As soon as he heard these words from his Father, he couldn’t help but to burst into tears. He was rebellious as a teenager, so he felt that he caused his Father much heartache throughout those years. The son simply replied, “Father..I’m sorry that I didn’t accomplish the things that you wanted me to..I feel like this will be my biggest regret for as long as I live.”

Suddenly, tears started to fall from the Father’s eyes. He was saddened by the fact that his son felt that he wasn’t good enough all this time and that he didn’t have the slightest clue that his child felt this way. Seeing this, the son sat there in confusion. You see, he has never seen his Father cry before in his whole life, so he wondered what the reason was for these sudden tears. “Father, why are you crying? Does it upset you that much that I was never able to accomplish what you wanted from me?” The Father stared at his son for what seemed like forever. Then he finally responded, “Son, I only said those things because I knew how amazingly talented and gifted you are. I never wanted you to feel like you weren’t good enough if you didn’t accomplish them..all I wanted was for you to live a fulfilling life without any regrets like me. I regret not spending enough time with you, I regret not being able to live a longer life with your mother here on earth, I regret not doing what I loved and settling with what was right in front of me, and lastly I regret not spending enough time expressing my love to the people I cared about.”

He stopped to take a breath. He knew his time was short and his son sensed the same. He brought his son close to him and as he embraced him, he got these last few words out before he slipped away into eternal rest. “I love you so much. Keep your faith rooted in Christ and trust Him for He will do great things through you. Life your life doing what makes you happy. Love happily, make mistakes but learn from them, and don’t be afraid to show your true self to people because you are an amazing person. That’s all I ever wanted.”

1 month ago -

Redeemed.

With my trembling hands over my face, knelt down, I wait anxiously.

“Why do you cover your face? Son…look at me.”

I slowly unravel each finger until my vision becomes clear and I see my Father standing in front of me.

“Father, I have failed & sinned against you once again. I’m ashamed to call myself your son.”

He walks towards me. He doesn’t wait for me to stand up, but instead He comes down to my level. As he kneels down next to me, He gently pulls me into His arms and embraces me.

“Why do you say such things? Nothing you can do will ever take away my love for you. I love you so much and that will never change.”

I burst into tears. How is it that I have such a loving and compassionate Father who is always there for me even though I go against His will so many times? With tears running down my face, memories of my past rush through my mind, and I find myself in disbelief. Disbelief in the sense that I have been so far away from His embrace & presence for most of my life that I can’t fathom why He still calls me one of His own. All the disobedience towards Him, the doubts I had about Him, and the mere fact that I almost always ignore Him throughout my week should be more than enough reason for Him to give up on me. And yet, here He is…always picking me up when I fall, giving me strength when I feel weak, and giving me wisdom to learn from my past mistakes. A Father’s love is apparent in our relationship with each other, but His love also bears unto me another gift: redemption. I’ve been redeemed by my Father and Savior; saved so that I may live an eternal life with Him.

He helps me back to my feet, wipes the tears from my eyes, and just stares at me with a loving expression. I will never forget that look in His eyes. Because of that look, I am constantly reminded of this simple fact: I am loved and I’ve been redeemed.

1 month ago -

“Mirrors”

A teenage girl comes up to me. The moment she sees her reflection, a disgusted look takes over her expression. You see, the world has fed her lies everyday on what beauty is. So as she looks upon her face, all she can point out are her flaws. “I hate how I’m not skinny like the girls on TV.”…”I hate that I don’t look like the girls in the magazines.” More and more, as she points out aspects that she doesn’t like, I can see pain and sadness grow in her eyes. They keep growing until they take the form of tears. One by one, tears rush down her face and she just stands there, wanting to be accepted by someone in this world…to feel beautiful at least once. I wish I could embrace her and let her know just how beautiful she really is. Because the girl that I see standing in front of me, was fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who never makes a mistake. The young girl standing in front of me, tears flowing down from her beautiful eyes and mind filled with lies from the world’s standard…is the most beautiful person that I’ve ever seen.

A young boy walks up next. He starts fiddling with his body..picking at his stomach and neck. As he looks at himself, a sudden saddened expression overwhelms his face. “Why am I so fat and worthless?”…”Why can’t I be skinny like everyone else?” His eyes tell a story of a lifetime of being bullied and teased because of his weight. Those same eyes act as a gateway into his mind. The “if only” questions occupy most of his thoughts. “If only I was skinny, then people would like me more.”…”If only I lost some weight, then I wouldn’t be so insecure and self-conscious.” So consumed by thoughts of “what if” and “if only”, he stays still with his mind occupied, wishing for someone to give him some time. Time to just spend with each other, time that would make him feel worthwhile. I wish he could see what I see. Because what I see is a young boy who’s worth the time. So worth the time, that God was willing to sacrifice His only Son, that this young boy would be able to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

A middle-aged woman approaches me. She examines herself, touching up on her make-up. In the process of fixing herself up, she suddenly stops and takes a deep breath. “When will I finally find someone who accepts me and loves me for who I am?”…”Will someone be willing to love a person who’s emotionally scarred like me?” Feelings of loneliness consume her, and start to manifest through her expression on her face. You see, she’s been hurt and emotionally scarred by the world. All the men she’s dated have left deep emotional scars, that she turns to physical ways such as make-up to cover them up. She tries to mold herself into what she believes men prefer in a woman, by altering and covering up her flaws and insecurities. The feelings of rejection, pain, and worthlessness are all being told by her body language. She is presenting herself in a slouched posture, which reinforces her feelings of insecurity and weakness. I can’t see why she is doing this to herself. The person I see, is someone who is deserving of the best type of love. True love. A love that was promised to her the moment she took her first breath of air. She was promised love from God and she can be sure she will receive it, because God is love.

Millions of people approach me daily. Most of them are so entangled by the lies of this world, that they lose their sense of worth in the process. So when they look at their reflection, I get so frustrated because they don’t see the beauty and worth that I see. The beauty and worth that is in them, but has been masked by the imperfections of this world. It’s only when they realize how distorted their perception has become from a result of lies and deception, that they finally begin to realize just how amazing they truly are. Because they know they were made in the image of a perfect God, they are content in knowing this fact. No longer do they need mirrors to look upon for their reflections, but now instead they look to God and see a reflection of their true self..a child of God.

1 month ago -